back in time

A lot has been going through my mind since I have moved home. Being gone for 2 and half years (although I tell everyone 3), I know I have grown and changed a lot. To be honest, I was initially scared to move home for many reasons I will touch on throughout. I knew coming home after this period of time, reconnecting with friends and family wouldn't be easy because they have all developed a routine and their lives and me coming home wouldn't necessarily change that. So why come home you might ask...?

I tell every person I see that I came home because I wanted to reconnect with family, friends and my brother and sister in-law were having a baby so it was the perfect time to spend the summer or longer at home. Truth is, as much as I love Korea, my life was getting super unhealthy, and I was falling into routines I didn't really like (Similar reasons as to why I left Canada). I was getting unhealthy eating Korean fast food, and binge drinking every Friday, Saturday until 4-6 am. My body was exhausted, it was shutting down. My knees were in the most pain I have ever had. I had some medical issues that I knew needed to be checked by Canadian doctors. (For any foreigner who has lived in Korea, I think you may have missed some part of our health care).

So as my southeast Asian and European 3 month backpacking adventure had come to an end, I knew I had to face small town, working class reality. That's all I knew my hometown to be. Coming home, I arrived as a positive, free spirit, high on life and travel ready to accept the changes I was about to experience. And that's where the tables had turned. I had so much ambition coming off of my travel high! I was excited to start learning Spanish and finishing my TEFL certificate online.

STOP RIGHT THERE!

I have currently been home for 3 months and I have literally done NONE of these. WHY NOT! What am I honestly doing home? For the first month, I woke up at noon, and watched TV every single day. Not good TV either. It was mindless TV and series to keep me occupied from doing what everyone at home had wanted me to do. GET A JOB! I couldn't tell you how many times people would ask me, "What are your next plans? Do you want to go back? How long will you be here? Are you looking for a job? Are you looking for a girlfriend?" I know that everyone means these questions with sincere hearts, but almost no one asked me, "How are you feeling? You were living on the other side of the Earth have travelled to many different countries. Tell me about it. How did you like your experience? What was your favourite country? Tell me about the cool things and places you saw." This hurt me a lot. I feel as if everyone at home expected me to just go BACK IN TIME. Assuming that I haven't changed. That I haven't learned anything new. That I haven't grown and changed. And here I am, thinking... "Even when people do ask me, I don't want to brag about how amazing my life is and how great of a time I had."

So what do I do? I sit quiet... I listen to people talk about their normal lives and how much they hate their jobs. I sit there as they expect me to get an awful job just like them so I can join them in their misery and complaining. In my mind I ask myself, "If you hate your job and complain about it everyday... then quit. Find something else." But I already know the response, "I can't go that long without a paycheck." So I continue to sit quiet, thinking to myself how I had spent clothes to $12,000 over 3 months that I earned doing something I loved and in a second I would do it again. But these people can't relate. They can't relate to spending your hard earned money on experiences rather than material goods. In the 2 and half years I had been gone, and I have now travelled to 18 different countries, I literally only have pictures, memories and few souvenirs. Thats just me, but that is a part of me that grown and changed that people don't seem to grasp about me.

I know I don't belong where I am right now. Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario. Population of 65,000 ish people. Primarily working class, white people. This is not where I want to be, yet I have found myself now in a full time job, a cellphone plan, a gym membership, insurance and gas payments (rent is free as I live with my parents... again). Although I am currently liking my new job, I still question myself everyday as I know this is not going to be my final destination, but just a stopover to make some cash for the next adventure. Whether I can portray that to other, I don't know yet. This city is a great place to "settle down".

I continue this adventure back in my hometown, I am trying to comprehend it as if I moved to a new city and I will be there for 9 month or a bit longer with no VISA. My main goal is try and change this BACK IN TIME feel I have and try and experience new people and new thing in and around my city. I feel by doing this, I will be able to keep my sanity as well continue to work towards my dream of travelling for a living, for forever.

For anyone else in this situation...I feel for you and know that there are a community of wanderers out there who feeling the same things you are. If you ever want to chat, please feel free to reach out to me and we can chat about or travel experiences and how it has affected our lives.